While funeral professionals always hope families will support each other after a loved one has died, it is not always the case. Grief is painful. As individuals struggle to cope with death, the emotionally charged situation can deepen rifts and disagreements. Funeral directors may find themselves managing disputes among family members, a demanding role which requires empathy and support. Understanding people’s behaviors can help implement strategies for effective communication and resolving disputes among family members during funeral arrangements.
Related: Advanced Funeral Planning, 2nd Edition
Causes of family conflicts after a death
The intense emotions surrounding funeral planning can lead to vulnerability. This vulnerability, in turn, can lead to misinterpretations. If communication breaks down, it may result in disagreements and disputes among family members.
During funeral planning, families may disagree over:
- Whether to have a burial or cremation
- Religious or cultural differences
- Costs
- Who pays
- Guest lists
- Location of the reception or “repast” after the funeral service
- Headstone wording
- Dealing with difficult or estranged family members and unresolved past issues
Understanding the behaviors of difficult people
Complex behavior can manifest in many forms, including aggression, dismissiveness, callousness, manipulation, domineering, arrogance, and inappropriate humor. Understanding why people exhibit these traits can assist in handling them more effectively when encountered.
Finding a solution to these challenging encounters involves addressing personal reactions with others. Self-awareness enables a receiver to respond constructively to de-escalate potentially harmful interactions.
When both parties respond in ways that heighten the conflict, disputes can spiral into a harmful cycle. Steps to take to improve self-awareness include:
- Remember the desired goal. For a funeral director, this is to provide compassionate support and guidance to families during a difficult time.
- Stay calm and composed.
- Practice empathy. It’s unnecessary to agree with the other party’s view, but trying to see it from their perspective can help.
- Take a step back, pause and reflect.
- Don’t personalize a situation.
Fight-or-flight response
Grief comes in many forms. It is a natural response that affects an individual emotionally and physiologically. It may be caused by losing a job, divorce, or the death of a loved one. The brain interprets grief as a “threat,” triggering a survival mechanism, the fight-or-flight response. This is the body’s automatic reaction to perceived danger.
- Fight response: When faced with death and loss, mourners may attempt to exert control over their situation. This is a coping method for grief and a sense of vulnerability. Individuals may lash out in anger or frustration. They may want to dominate decision-making, especially during the bargaining stage of grief.
- Flight response: In contrast, others may withdraw, avoiding emotions and social interactions.
Family dynamics and conflict
Typically, designated agents, nominated in the will or next of kin, finalize funeral plans. However, an uptick in family disputes has meant some cases have resorted to legal options for settlement. Frequent areas of contention focus on burial or cremation, the final resting place of the deceased, and the executor’s will.
Changes in family dynamics with more complex relationships involving remarriages, blended families, geographical distances, and differing beliefs have magnified the number of family disputes.
Funeral directors will likely encounter volatile family units during their work. They must take all reasonable steps to avoid becoming entangled in these tense situations.
Strategies for managing disputes among family members
There are several practical strategies to guide a funeral director in navigating funeral conflicts and managing disputes among family members.
Maintain open communication
Encouraging open and respectful communication is key to managing disputes and cultivating a safe space for uninterrupted dialogue. All family members should feel valued and free to express their thoughts.
The aim is to prevent minor disagreements from magnifying into serious disputes. Open communication makes it simpler to share different viewpoints. Sometimes, it might mean incorporating several elements, such as music, readings, and photo displays, into a service as a compromise and workable solution.
Be respectful
Remain neutral and professional. The death of a loved one is a painful experience, and showing patience and understanding is essential, despite some mourners displaying difficult behavior.
Find common ground
Remind the family that they are there to honor the deceased’s wishes. Sharing common ground can help rechannel negative energy to focus on what their loved one desired. Use simple, empathetic language to gently guide the family in honoring the deceased’s wishes.
Understanding the legal framework
The deceased may have left written documentation providing clear instructions for their funeral service. If open communication falters, highlighting this can reduce disagreements and establish boundaries for aspects of the funeral arrangements.
Document discussions
Keeping a record of funeral planning discussions helps avoid future misunderstandings and serves as a clear reference point if disputes re-emerge.
Active listening
Active listening is a key skill for funeral professionals, as effective communication plays a part in nurturing a supportive, secure environment for those mourning. In the funeral setting, it is a fundamental element of building trust and a key principle in resolving family conflicts.
“While listening is a skill universally lauded, it’s rarely, if ever, explicitly taught as such, outside of training for therapists” (Robin Abrahams and Boris Groysberg, Harvard Business Review, December 21, 2021)
According to Robin Abrahams and Boris Groysberg, active listening has three aspects,
- Cognitive: Listening and understanding all information conveyed and not switching off.
- Emotional: Stay calm and compassionate and refrain from displaying emotional reactions, such as irritation, boredom, and frustration.
- Behavioral: Conveys interest and engagement in the conversation without interrupting. Ask necessary questions and clarify comprehension with feedback and by repeating words. Non-verbal language, for example, leaning in, eye contact, smiling, and nodding, are also signs of attentive listening.
Active listening serves as a powerful tool when working through family disputes. It aids in identifying the underlying issues, allowing families to work together and honor the needs of individuals and the deceased’s wishes in the event of funeral disputes.
Seeking outside help
When managing disputes among family members in the funeral environment, funeral directors act as unofficial mediators. On occasion, the situation may become too challenging and overwhelming. Seeking outside help from an impartial third party may be valuable in facilitating communication and finding reconciliation after a loved one dies.
